Dr. Jenn's TEDx Talk on Sexual Shame

EBook by Dr. Jenn for Young Women on Female Sexuality

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What I'm Reading
  • The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality
    The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality
    by Rachel Hills
  • The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life's Perfection
    The Surrender Experiment: My Journey into Life's Perfection
    by Michael A. Singer

Two Questions to Ask...When You've Pissed Off Your Partner But Don't Know Why!

You’ve probably experienced this before—you’re having a regular, nice, normal conversation with your partner, and suddenly they are pissed off at you. Or, your partner is already unhappy about something unrelated to you, so you’re talking to them and offering support. But without warning, you now see anger on their face that is directed at you. What happened?!

In any relationship, and especially early in a relationship, you can’t necessarily predict what is going to trigger your partner’s insecurities or patterns, and how they are going to interpret something that otherwise seems benign to you. And when they react with hurt or anger, it may leave you flustered, confused, and defensive. But instead of being reactive, try nicely asking these two questions:

1. What could I have done or said differently?

2. Why is this important to you (or what does this mean to you)?

Asking questions like this is helpful because it’s a total pattern-interrupt for both of you. You have the opportunity do something different, stay present in the moment, and both bring some structure and rationale to an emotionally triggered situation. Then, by asking what you could have done differently, you get the opportunity to get into the head of your partner, and find out what he/she needed in that moment or was expecting. This also makes your partner take responsibility for coming up with a potential solution, instead of just being pissed off. The second question gets to the heart of why your partner was triggered. Did they think you were talking down to them? Trying to “fix” the situation? Implying they were stupid? Or that you didn’t care about them? Listen carefully when they share their interpretation and meaning of that interaction, and don’t rush to defend your actions. And then apologize.

Hopefully, by allowing your partner to speak their truth in that moment and listening with genuine interest instead of defensiveness, they feel heard and understood. And you can now gently share about your thoughts and intentions, and come to a better understanding as a couple overall. I suggest sharing these questions with your partner so that you can both use these as a tool to work through conflict and stay powerful as a team.


Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist | Sociologist | Sexuality Speaker


Cheating Vs. Open Relationships

With the recent hacking of private information on the Ashley Madison extramarital affair dating site, I think it's important to ask why we place monogamy in such high regard, yet have such high rates of cheating? I discussed the topics of non-monogamy, open relationships, boundaries, communication, and what's possible on San Diego Living with Marc Bailey. I'm so happy I was able to at least scratch the surface of this controversial topic on the morning news!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker


Sex Tips for Tent Camping

Does camping in nature inspire your friskiness? Or does the experience of bugs, dirt, discomfort, and stinkiness quash your libido? I believe that the fresh air and relaxation, with your evenings by a campfire, can offer some outside the box opportunities for sexual connection and play.

"What are the most important things to make sex more enjoyable when camping?" I asked my friends this past weekend. We were seated around the picnic table, enjoying two days and nights of tent camping in a Julian, CA, campground for the 4th of July weekend. And although I was sleeping alone in my tent, I felt inspired to write a blog about sexy time when camping. After some joking and cajoling, our group mind came up with some pretty good tips. (Note: These tips are more specific to campground camping in a tent, instead of RV camping or hardcore backcountry camping.)

1. Comfort. For comfort's sake, I really recommend an air mattress. I understand that this is the opposite of hardcore camping, but for most folks, the physical and mental rigors of "real" camping just won't evoke sexy feelings. I suggest a higher quality self-inflatable air mattress that does not leak air during the night. Otherwise, the hard ground under your butt or knees while trying to roll around in passion can just mean painful sex.

2. Cleanliness. Consider cleanliness and odors, particularly depending on how important these are to each of you. It's great if there are showers and bathrooms available, to keep up with your normal hygiene patterns. If not, bring some wet wipes and baby wipes (for genitals) to spruce up. I also recommend paper towels and water in your tent. All of these can be helpful for before, during, and after sexual play.

3. Privacy. If you or your partner are self-conscious about noise or creating sexy shadow puppets on your tent walls, choose your spot carefully. If possible, choose a tent spot that is in a more secluded area and doesn't have a bright light that will shine on your tent.

4. Slow down. Are you camping at a higher altitude? Then slow down, because even if you're in good physical shape, the exertion of sexual activity with less oxygen can leave your heart pounding -- and not in a good way!

5. Teasing. Also in terms of taking a slower approach, why not start your erotic exchange earlier in the evening by the campfire? Campfires can feel romantic, relaxing, and mindful. Tap into this calm, non-goal-oriented energy to kick things off. This can go in so many directions, such as kissing, touching genitals or breasts through clothing, offering sexual words of affirmation to each other, or sharing sexual fantasies.

6. Bugs. And finally, be aware of bugs such as mosquitoes that can get into your tent. Do a flashlight search of your tent at nighttime to guarantee you won't have mosquitoes nipping at your ass during sex!

I hope you now feel ready to add some spice to your camping this summer!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker



Summer Lovin' - Quick Guide to Summer Romance

Summer loving had me a blast,
Summer loving happened so fast,
I met a girl crazy for me,
Met a boy cute as can be...

What is it about summer time that seems to make us feel more romantic? San Diego Living (Ch. 6) brought me in to discuss this as we launch into summer time. Is it the warmer days? Longer daylight? Less clothing? Nostalgic feelings? All of the above! I also share some tips about harnassing the sensual feeling of summer to ignite your summer romance.

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexuality Speaker, Sexologist, & Sociologist


What is Mindful Sex? Mindfulness, Women, & Intimacy

Mindfulness and sex - my two favorite topics to talk about! And who better to discuss mindful sex with, than the sexpert couple in Tampa, FL, who refer to themselves as The Love Birds! (Which totally makes sense, because they've been married a long time, they are sex and love experts, and their last name is Bird!) I met these two a few years ago at the annual AASECT sexuality conference, where we hit it off immediately. Chuck and JoAnn Bird are good people. So I was thrilled when they asked to interview me for their weekly radio show Intimate Chat with the Love Birds.

*Click here to open a new window that will play the radio interview.*

I join their show at around the 18-minute point. We discuss how mindfulness is vitally important to breaking negative relationship patterns, what's needed for female sexual empowerment, and tips to put mindfulness into action. We also explain our running joke about Nut Porn ;) Have a listen and let me know what you think about sex and mindfulness!

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist